Saints Row: The Third
Funny Shit: The Game; featuring a big purple dildo.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Probably the reason you haven’t left the house more than you needed to in the last month or so.
Also, there are dungeons, dragons, swords, and magic.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Darth Vader kidnaps a child and trains him to be his secret apprentice. He gives you a ship, a robot, and a blonde British pilot. Things are going great until you realize he’s really just trying to kill you. You go to the Death Star and your pilot kisses you for some reason even though you’ve only spoken like twice. You then fight Darth Vader and the Emperor. There’s a Jedi ending and a Sith ending, but like all Star Wars games, only the Jedi ending is canon. You also die in both of them, which kinda sucks.
Fallout: New Vegas DLC Vol. 3: Old World Blues
A mailman gets kidnapped by brains in floating jars, who lobotomize him/her.
Again, that’s not the end of it (this fucking mailman has been killed an ungodly amount of times). He/she wakes up without his/her heart, brain, and spine, which have all been replaced by robotic parts. His/her brain is transmitting to him/her via radio, or… Something. The mailman then has to sit through a conversation that can last anywhere from a half hour to an hour with the brains floating in jars. He/she then goes and finds his/her brain, who is kind of a dick, and it’s being held by another brain in a jar, who I honestly still can’t tell if he’s a total genius or a total idiot. The mailman can choose whether or not to keep his/her brain. Kind of. It’s hard to explain.
Hotel Dusk
A salesman checks into the mysterious Hotel Dusk. Protagonist Kyle Hyde likes calling cash cabbage, women dames, and guns heaters. He’s looking for his partner, Bradley, whom he shot into a river years ago, but believes is still alive. The guests have secrets. These secrets don’t advance the plot of the game. Dunning is Osterzone.
(submitted by stainedfeet)
Mirror’s Edge
An Asian girl with a stupid tattoo on her eye does parkour with a gun for like 60 minutes and then it’s over.
Mass Effect 2 DLC: Arrival
Commander Shepard gets sent to stealthily save an old lady from prison in a remote star system called Bahak. Within a few hours, Shepard ends up blowing up the entire system, wiping it off the galactic map. Admiral Hackett was going to commend Shepard for his service, but the realized that Shepard’s actually a huge dick, and now Shepard has to go back to Earth to go to court. Except, that doesn’t happen yet, and you have to wait until Mass Effect 3 for that part.
And then, shortly after, they changed the ME3 release date from late 2011 to March 2012. So now you have to wait even longer to finish what you started when you blew up Bahak.
Remember everybody!
The submit box is always open! :)
Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker
Sexy blue space girl from the first game takes Commander Shepard around the sprawling metropolis of Illium, and later across the galaxy to find the Shadow Broker, who turns out to be a giant ugly sumo wrestler with an obnoxiously huge shield. Commander Shepard and the sexy blue space girl from the first game make the giant ugly sumo wrestler explode. Sexy blue space girl from the first game then becomes the new Shadow Broker. Also, Commander Shepard has clearly been in the military so long that he forgot that taxis, or anything really, do not have guns (comparable to Sarge from Red vs. Blue).
Dead Rising
A reporter (who’s covered wars) wants to cover a bunch of riots that have been going on. He gets to his desired location (a mall, for some reason), and finds out that they’re actually zombies. Some fucking bitch loses her dog outside, and then opens the door, and zombies pour in, and then suddenly they’re everywhere. He runs a tight schedule, and has to do things in a timely manner. If he doesn’t, then he’s fucked, and he’s pretty much trapped in the mall for all eternity with a shit-ton of zombies. He also makes really fucking obnoxious commentary, and likes to wear pretty dresses.
Assassin’s Creed: Project Legacy
Abstergo Industries forces you to live through your ancestors’ memories in a Facebook version of the Animus. Most of your time is spent waiting for the timer to run out so you gain action points. When you finally level up and your action points are restored, you mindlessly click on the “execute” and “buy” buttons over and over again until you run out of action points. Rinse, repeat.
Mass Effect 2 DLC: Project Overlord
A computer virus infects a person and is now threatening to take over the entire galaxy. Commander Shepard stops it from happening, but not before running over some space cows with his fancy new tank.
Fallout: New Vegas DLC Vol. 2: Honest Hearts
The mailman follows a caravan made up of a smooth jazz artist, a scene kid, and a girl who really has nothing to her. They go to Zion National Park, and everyone dies in the first minute, except for the mailman, who then meets a Canadian Native American. The Canadian Native American takes the mailman to Joshua Graham, who is probably the coolest motherfucker in the history of gaming. I don’t really care about anything else, and neither should you, because Joshua Graham is a fucking badass motherfucker, and the best thing about this DLC is kicking ass by his side.
Mass Effect DLC: Bring Down the Sky
Commander Shepard has to stop an asteroid from hitting a planet. Commander Shepard stops the asteroid from hitting a planet. No matter what you do in the end, it majorly sucks for somebody. Everybody is sad. Except for Shepard, apparently. That guy’s a dick.
